Oct. 26th, 2009 | 05:06 pm
my mood: content
music: the beatles
hey everyone im soooo sorry i haven't been on here in FOREVER!!
ive been extremely busy lately with cheer and school and shit and oh wow do i ever miss blogging.
so here's whats new in my lovely life these days..
basically i havent been not high at school for over a week.
i keep going to school with the right mind set of " i will NOT blaze today"
but then something shitty happens and i end up doing it anyways.
i keep having huge mental break downs and just bawl my eyes out for no apparent reason lately aswell.
i feel like there's just SO much un-needed pressure on me to be a million times better than i actually am.
i've always been the type of person to push myself to be the best i can be.
but the harder i try to be the best, the more i fail and become depressed.
my writing teacher says i have some special talent cuz i've been writing a lot of deep shit lately
she even sent home some note to my parents to encourage me to be a writer but please..
my parents do NOT encourage.
they dont even care that i have over 90% in half of my courses.
i dont even wanna touch on that subject though cuz id be typing for days and days lol.
ohhhh the life of an aspiring emotional, teenage, self-conscious, confused writer.
it sure is a journey.
i wrote this tonight.
The Girl I Do Not Know
Looking through the mirror
At a face I do not know
This little girl is standing their
With no other place to go
This girl she has no smile,
Must have been washed away by tears
Trying to stay strong
All while battling her fears
All the calculations
Every morsel, every bit
Is eating her, inside and out
A zero she will fit
I place my finger on the glass
She struggles but does the same
I begin to trace my fingertips
Across her tiny frame
The magazines show paper girls
Her jealousy arises
Happiness is coming from
Numbers like her jean sizes
She blinks at the same time as me
Her skin is snow white pale
She shakes her head, says “not today”
And turns straight towards the scale
all day today i was thinking about food and e.d.'s which i usually do but have been trying not to lately.
its honestly scary how much this type of shit pop's up on an everyday occasion just to be like "HEY! DONT FORGET, IM STILL HERE!!"
last night on t.v. there was an episode on american dad and stan was ana.
today a bunch of kids at school were picking on my friend saying he was fat,just to piss him off because he's super thin. well guess what assholes, he has a fuckin e.d.
i cant stand how many people are out there making JOKES about this subject.
until you've lived it, you'll never understand what its like.
and unless you understand what its like, you have NO RIGHT to make jokes about it...
anyways imma go write some more poems and such =)
have a good day!
& remember, all you need is...
Aug. 31st, 2009 | 10:55 am
where im at: Canada, Winnipeg
my mood: frustrated
this is pretty much a waste of time for me to be blogging cuz nobody actually reads or cares about anything i say but oh well i have nothing better to do these days haha.
i went to go see i love you beth cooper with the boy last night and its kinda sad cuz the chick was dating some big jerk and she was explaining to th nerd why shes with him and i felt like it was me explaining why im with my boyfriend,,
its nice to feel loved by a guy, and not just used for sex.
i've never actually had the feeling of being loved back before devin (my bf)
so im thinking im just with him cuz im too scared to be alone.
i told him i loved him all night whenever he would say it to me yet it didnt feel right.
at the end of the night he kissed me and said i love you, i replied with a kiss and said i love you too, closed the car door and as i walked away i whispered no i dont to myself and just walked in the door and went to bed to try to ignore my feelings which i most often do.
reality is starting to kick in, i just want school to start already so that i know how the rest of the year will be with him.
cuz if shit doesnt change when school starts between us, i dont think i wanna be with him anymore..
i broke down crying yesterday for the first time in three weeks when i looked in the mirror.
i eat only for him.
if i wasnt with him, i could be happy with my body.
i could have my control back and ultimately thats what i want, no NEED back in my life.
i wanna be free to do anything my little heart desires.
high school is supposed to be the time of our lives yet i feel like i just wasted a whole year on being attached to this guy.
sure he's captain of the hockey team, im cheer captain, it just seems like its too perfect.
its every high school girls dream to be the "it" couple that everyone looks at and is jealous of..
but its the little secrets that we need to cover up, and the fact that we need to look like we're the perfect happy couple because thats what everyone thinks and expects us to be.
i ate two fuckin croissants this morning and now my stomach is killing me.
i need to just take a day to escape from all the pain..
maybe thats why i enjoy reading so much.
it gives me a chance to just get out of my life and experience the story of someone else.
see how they live, how they react to situations..
idk, its just relaxing not to have to think about life for a change.
media portrays beauty in such a hurtful way..
on saturday night, me and the girls smoked a joint.
it was our first time ever blazing together and during it i realized how horrible all our poor teenage girl minds are.
the whole time whenever any of us ate we'd be like ew this is gross or look at how many calories are in this!? or omg this is so fattening or thank god im going to the gym tomorrow..
i'd never realized how many young girls ( getting younger every day may i add ) grow up in this world where models that look like this are the view of "beauty"
and then they say that these models are just "naturally thin"
well you know what i say!? BULLSHIT.
i didnt even have a body like this from not eating and purging whenever i did for months and months.
its so not right.
our heads tell us that we should look like this because this is perfection.
but the media is the ones telling us this is perfection, beauty, happiness.
but they DONT tell you how hard you have to work to get like this, how much you need to give up in your life for this, or the awful thoughts that pour through your heads every minute of everyday just to look gorgeous.
ugh. anyways long enough post, this shit gets me worked up.
Aug. 30th, 2009 | 01:48 pm
where im at: Canada, Winnipeg
my mood: bouncy
music: the cliks
i redid my room yesterday!! im totally IN LOVE with it.
out with the old in with the new. thats my mo-do for september.
new room, new school year, new attitude, new... boyfriend?
i think it might just need to come down to that.
single life allows me to be free! have fun with the girls!
not have to worry about getting too drunk at a party and macking some guy and having my boyfriend get mad at me for it.
i waisted my whole summer on one stupid boy who i THOUGHT would grow up to be my husband, my unborn childrens father..
but COME ON sabrina, there is NO way thats going to happen. your 16!
you have roughly 100 years or so to live.
now, imagine this meter stick.
look at what point of the stick your at right now,
and how much more of the stick is left.
its the longest thing you do!
everyones always running around saying there's never enough "time"
anyways, this whole meter stick thing made me think.
and im thinking that having a life companion isnt really one of my top priorities at the moment.
i need to just take some time to be sabrina =)
we've been dating for a little over 9 months which is "forever" in teenage time.
he told me to at least give him a chance to prove himself to me till the end of summer.
personally idk what he's going to prove in two weeks that he cant just prove now.
ANYWAYSSSS, check out my new room!! so nice i love it.
Aug. 24th, 2009 | 12:45 pm
where im at: homeeee
my mood: disappointed
so i figured since ive got an all new attitude bout my e.d. ive edit out my page and make it COMPLETELY different.
my old layout was boring and ugly haha.
not so much a weight, i just wanna see bones.
sooo... my boyfriend has sadly started not eating as well and i feel horrible cuz its all my fault..
but i cant stop him cuz thats kinda hypocritical right??
he broke down saying that since im not happy im not making him happy...
and i finally told him that i would get help but only if he did aswell.
guess what he chose?
he said :
"being thin makes me happy, and you dont. why would i chose something that doesnt make me happy?"
so.. i guess he chose being thin over me </3
im supposed to talk to him bout it today but he wont answer any texts or calls.
i thought ana had taken enough from me already,
not only has it taken him.
but now its taken him FROM me.