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Aug. 31st, 2009 | 10:55 am
where im at: Canada, Winnipeg
my mood: frustrated frustrated

hey everyone whos actually reading this hehe.
this is pretty much a waste of time for me to be blogging cuz nobody actually reads or cares about anything i say but oh well i have nothing better to do these days haha.

i went to go see i love you beth cooper with the boy last night and its kinda sad cuz the chick was dating some big jerk and she was explaining to th nerd why shes with him and i felt like it was me explaining why im with my boyfriend,,
its nice to feel loved by a guy, and not just used for sex.
i've never actually had the feeling of being loved back before devin (my bf)
so im thinking im just with him cuz im too scared to be alone.
i told him i loved him all night whenever he would say it to me yet it didnt feel right.
at the end of the night he kissed me and said i love you, i replied with a kiss and said i love you too, closed the car door and as i walked away i whispered no i dont to myself and just walked in the door and went to bed to try to ignore my feelings which i most often do.

reality is starting to kick in, i just want school to start already so that i know how the rest of the year will be with him.
cuz if shit doesnt change when school starts between us, i dont think i wanna be with him anymore..

i broke down crying yesterday for the first time in three weeks when i looked in the mirror.
i eat only for him.
if i wasnt with him, i could be happy with my body.
i could have my control back and ultimately thats what i want, no NEED back in my life.
i wanna be free to do anything my little heart desires.
high school is supposed to be the time of our lives yet i feel like i just wasted a whole year on being attached to this guy.

sure he's captain of the hockey team, im cheer captain, it just seems like its too perfect.
its every high school girls dream to be the "it" couple that everyone looks at and is jealous of..
but its the little secrets that we need to cover up, and the fact that we need to look like we're the perfect happy couple because thats what everyone thinks and expects us to be.

i ate two fuckin croissants this morning and now my stomach is killing me.
i need to just take a day to escape from all the pain..

maybe thats why i enjoy reading so much.
it gives me a chance to just get out of my life and experience the story of someone else.
see how they live, how they react to situations..
idk, its just relaxing not to have to think about life for a change.

media portrays beauty in such a hurtful way..
on saturday night, me and the girls smoked a joint.
it was our first time ever blazing together and during it i realized how horrible all our poor teenage girl minds are.
the whole time whenever any of us ate we'd be like ew this is gross or look at how many calories are in this!? or omg this is so fattening or thank god im going to the gym tomorrow..

i'd never realized how many young girls ( getting younger every day may i add ) grow up in this world where models that look like this are the view of "beauty"

and then they say that these models are just "naturally thin"
well you know what i say!? BULLSHIT.
i didnt even have a body like this from not eating and purging whenever i did for months and months.

its so not right.
our heads tell us that we should look like this because this is perfection.
but the media is the ones telling us this is perfection, beauty, happiness.
but they DONT tell you how hard you have to work to get like this, how much you need to give up in your life for this, or the awful thoughts that pour through your heads every minute of everyday just to look gorgeous.

ugh. anyways long enough post, this shit gets me worked up.

much love
Sabrina <3

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Comments {1}


From: nicki1294
Date: Sep. 1st, 2009 12:45 am (UTC)

awh blogging isnt a waste of time. or at least i dont think so. it's a way of letting things out. and im reading ur shit so its all good haha.

ugh bf positions like that suck. it's like ur trapped. i know exactly how u feel.

i have image problems too. all my friends are like...nicole, ur so skinny. why do u think like that. my thinking is fine. its just my decisions that suck ass. not everyones perfect :/

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